Since last year I’ve been working on a lot of goals. I opened a business and started working with supervisees for the first time. I’m putting myself out there as a trainer/speaker for the first time. First, first, first.
Adding these responsibilities have really stretched me and challenged me in a lot of ways. I’m learning to experience the emotions that come with owning something with your name on it. I am by no means an expert at business, but I like the challenge and I’m learning as I go. I was looking to grow and change and challenge myself. I’m accomplishing just that, and in the process I’ve done a lot of new things I’ve never done before. It’s a very exciting time for me.
The Challenge of Uncertainty
On the other side of taking these steps to obtain my goals in the counseling field comes a lot of uncertainty. Financial uncertainty, will I have enough clients, will supervisees come to see me, and what if I work months on a training and no one shows up? Fear of failure and the unknown can easily creep in.
The thing is, change and uncertainty are very challenging for me, and probably for many others. I tend to like plans and to know what’s next. Those that know me know how scheduled I am and how I like to plan my life way in advance. Business challenges that for me on so many levels. I’m very loyal and dedicated and I will drag out a tough situation that’s not great just to avoid the change and stay in my comfort zone. On the positive, this makes me a very loyal and consistent person and I’m great at commitment, but if I don’t keep myself in check I will continue a sometimes difficult or not good for me but good for them situation, or get stuck in the mundane.
It’s Not Just Me!
I’ve noticed some of the same challenges with change and uncertainty with people that I work with. Either they hit a new milestone in their career, like getting their license and begin to explore their options, or they’ve decided to change the way they are doing something in their home or work life and dealing with the ambivalence that can sometimes follow the decision to make a change.
I read this morning on one of my favorite websites “Unstuck.com” that our brains see uncertainty as a challenge.That we try to make up something certain in our minds to deal with the uncertainty because we are wired to survive that way. This makes since in a survival situation, but it can sometimes be a stumbling block to a positive change. People tent to have trouble seeing past the ambiguity to the other side of the change. It takes a greater payout on the other end for people to walk through the uncertainty.
So Now What?
I was talking with someone I trust yesterday about some of the uncertainty I’m experiencing right now and she asked me how could I view uncertainty differently, rather than a threat? Or a fear? Well, here’s what I’ve come up with:
Change is certain.
Change is sometimes necessary.
View it as an opportunity to be creative with your life.
Write out the positives of the end goals.
Practice self-care rituals to deal with the emotions of the change.
Lean on your support, your tribe, or who ever you go to for accountability and
Practice your faith and trust in you God, and also yourself to make the right steps.
Focus on the next step right in front of you, (Thank you Oprah for this one!)
Focus on the Process not the outcome (thanks Marie Forleo!)
Look at the ambiguity and uncertainty not as a threat, but as an opportunity to be creative and make some tough decisions.
How do you deal with change and uncertainty? Leave a comment below and share with your friends.
Starting out as a new counselor I worried about filling out the application, meeting the requirements, would it get approved, etc… One thing that helped me relax and stop over analyzing things was when a seasoned counselor simplified it for me. I hope you find this tip helpful in today’s video blog.
What Questions Do You Have on Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor?
Do You Have Tips on What Helped You Become a Counselor? Please Share Below in The Comments!
Sometimes you plan things. Big plans. Life changes, opening a business, starting a relationship, going out with your girlfriends, anything. You get excited about it, you think, “Thank the Lord! Look at how He’s blessing my life” when things start going well. Then you have one of those weeks, cancellations, bad news, a tough client week or whatever the case. I feel disappointment, if I’m honest with myself, and some confusion too.
So how do I turn this around? I want to give up, but that’s not the answer. I want to drag my appointments in the door by their hair. No, that won’t work either. I want to blame someone, myself, others, the universe.
Then I feel like, what is the world telling me? Am I really ready for this? Did the Lord really tell me to do this? Doubts. Big Hairy DOUBTS. I’ve poured hours, money, sweat, tears, time, you name it into this venture. I look into the face of uncertainty. I can’t stop now I’m too far in.
I get down on my knees and give my worries to the Lord, my God. That’s my first step. I allow the tears. I allow the mixed emotions. But when I give it over to the Lord, I know He has no doubts. He will bring the people that need what I have to offer. He will provide. He’s proved it to me time and time again. When I left an agency job broken and torn, He healed me, when I had nothing He provided my needs. He gave me support and all I need. He won’t let me down. People will. Money will. Position will. Things will all let me down. But He won’t.
I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things; I will not forsake them.
Then David continued, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the lord is finished correctly.
Look! He has placed the land in front of you. Go and occupy it as the lord, the God of your ancestors, has promised you. Don’t be afraid! Don’t be discouraged!’
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Public Reading of the Book of Instruction
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua’s Charge to the Israelites
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
An affectionate couple sitting on the beach alongside copyspace during a pretty sunset
I was prompted this week by a situation to share my experience at a time early in my career when I was struggling with burnout. I hope you find it helpful.
I began working with children who are traumatized as an intern during my graduate school program in 2005. I was working a full time job at a mental health agency with severe mentally ill adults while attempting to maintain a 20-30 hour a week internship at a domestic violence shelter. I was burning the candle at both ends. Before I knew it I was losing sleep, not eating regularly, and I had constant thoughts about clients I was serving, including a feelings of guilt over a difficult client situation at my job.
I didn’t notice it in the beginning. It didn’t start right a way. It was more of a gradual progression of overwork, and attempting to balance everything on my own. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t understand the signs that I was burning out on my own.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know. It wasn’t my fault. I don’t remember it being talked about a lot in my graduate school classes at the time (I hope things have changed). It happened because I was new to the field still, and also because it wasn’t talked about and it had begun to feel almost normal to me.
It wasn’t until a supervisor of mine returned from some time off and sat down with me and told me to seek my own therapy that I realized how stressed out I was and that I needed to make some changes. She was kind, honest, and identified the signs that I was burning out. I will never forget that. I will always value that.
How did I know I was burning out?
Less sleep
Constant thoughts and memories of a specific situation
Feelings of guilt
Feelings of sadness
Feeling stuck like I couldn’t change anything
Withdrawing from others
Crying easily
Feeling isolated
Thinking I had to figure everything out on my own
Not participating in enjoyable activities
Finding it difficult to relax
I am sure there are more signs others could add to this list. This is not exhaustive. But that was my experience at the time.
Thanks to that experience with my supervisor (and the therapy that followed that meeting) I have since learned how to tell I’m burning out and overworked, and when I need to takes extra steps to care for myself.
I now realize that I am not alone in some of the feelings I was having (stress, frustration, feeling stuck, sadness). And I take extra care to surround myself with supportive people in our field and outside our field that I can be honest with and that will be honest with me and hold me accountable to care for myself, go easy on myself, and have empathy for myself when I feel this way.
There are several things that I do to prevent and/or manage feelings of stress and burnout:
Be honest about the stress that sometimes comes with our profession and the client content we witness everyday
My faith, prayer and spiritual support from my relationship with God;
A strong social support system, friends, family, my husband;
Seeking outside of the agency supervision or consultation;
Participating in my own therapy;
Making time to unwind and de-compress from work;
Writing and blogging;
Reading about successful, healthy businesses and their practices and therapists;
Finding the right time to be emotional and allowing the feelings I had to be there;
Focusing on what is best for my clients;
Maintaining my ethics and professionalism even when things felt fuzzy or grey;
Recognizing what I do and do not have control over; and,
Knowing when it was time to take a break
Taking responsibility for what is mine, and not taking responsibility for other people’s choices.
Reading about self-care
Trying new ways to relax
Taking time off when needed
Setting short and long term goals (for career and other areas of my life)
Journaling
Art (making it and enjoying other’s art).
I am also thankful for the many things I learn about myself through this job.
Have a variety of clients to vary my day
Being genuine with others
Listening to the people I trust the most when they tell me to slow down (this is sometimes hard to do)
How can you support a colleague who may be going through a difficult time or dealing with burnout?
Be available.
Be honest (with love) about your concerns.
Be empathetic
Offer support and referrals if necessary.
Invite them to something fun outside of work (dinner, girls weekend, lunch, or even out for coffee)
Send an encouraging note, email or Facebook post.
Can you think of other ways you can support a struggling colleague?
Let’s share in the comments below section and support each other
If you are a therapist struggling with your work and would like support please visit the Self Care for Therapist Network for information and articles.
I also offer individual and group supervision for play therapists and those seeking licensure as a professional counselor and a FREE Play Therapist Consultation Group for Licensed Mental Health Practitioners who are advanced play therapists. If you are not already in supervision please contact me to make an appointment and have supervision as part of your self-care plan
Last April I had the amazing opportunity to be interviewed on Thrive Global Network in response to a death of Nate Wombles
Unfortunately many children and even adults are involved in the bullying cycle.
Many parents feel stuck if their child is involved in a bullying situation. How do you teach your child to respond without egging on the child who bullies?
What is Bullying, and What do I do about it?
Bullying is aggressive, threatening behavior by one child or adult towards another child/adult. The whole goal of the bully is to gain power or control over a person who they perceive is weaker than them.
Bullying can be verbal, emotional or physical or through technology, called “Cyberbullying.”
Help the child being bullied get away without getting yourself in harms way.
Tell a trusted adult
Be friends
What teachers and schools and organizations can do if bullying is occurring:
First get the facts from multiple sources.
Listen to those involve without judgement or labeling
Separate children involved
Make sure person doing bullying knows what the problem is
Identify reasons child may have bullied
Have clear consequences:
have class discussion, role play situations
Attempt to help children make amends
stopbullying.gov has several tips on involving person doing bullying in consequences , including apology letters, doing good deeds, and what to stay away from
Provide opportunites for bullying education
Signs your child is bullying other children:
Gets into frequent arguments or fights with others
Is angry
Blames others for their problems
Unexplained new belongings or money
Frequent trips to the principle’s office at school.
There is a quiz at the end of Bullies are a Pain in the Brain to screen if your child is bullying others.
What to do if your child is bullying others?
Don’t get defensive, take responsibility for your child.
Talk to your child to tell you what happened and listen to their side.
Try to find out the issue your child is dealing with that led to the bullying behavior.
Set limits.
Apply consequences to the behavior
Provide alternatives to aggressive behavior.
Ask your child how you can help.
Seek professional help for your child if necessary to deal with the source of the issue.
Why do people bully others? According to stompoutbullying.org
Power and Control is the main issue surrounding bullying behavior
Sometimes someone else is also bullying the child
Child may be having difficulties at home or have experienced abuse, neglect or witnessed aggressive behavior themselves
To avoid getting bullied
For social power
Some plan their bullying and are liked by others but not their victims
Why don’t kids tell?
stopbullying.gov reported on the Indicators of School Crime and safety that bullying is reported to adults less than 40% of the time
Feeling helpless
Fear or intimidation by others
Not wanting to be seen as a tattletale
Feelings of isolation and withdrawal
What are the risk factors for being bullied?
It’s important to note that while these are risk factors, not all children with these characteristics are bullied.
Seen as quiet or different by other children
Difficulty speaking up for themselves
Difficulty with peer relationships
Are anxious, depressed or low self esteeme
What are the risk factors for bullying?
There are two types of those who bully defined by stopbullying.gov
Those whose goals are concerned with popularity, power, control.
Those who are more isolated, have low self esteem, less involved in school, less social involvement with peers.
Other risk factors include:
Are aggressive
More difficulties at home
View violence as a way to handle their problems
Less involvement from parents,
Negative view of others
Difficulty following rules
Have friends who bully
What are the long term consequences of bullying?
A NY Times article summaries a study by the JAMA network on psychiatry that found long term consequences of childhood bullying into young adulthood.
Young adults were interviewed/assessed on which role they played in the bullying scenario and placed into different groups
Outcomes included increased anxiety and panic for those who were victims, increased panic for those who were both bullies and victims and increased instance of adult antisocial behavior for those who were bullies but not victims.
“A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.” www.stopbullying.org
Sometimes you plan things. Big plans. Life changes, opening a business, starting a relationship, going out with your girlfriends, anything. You get excited about it, you think, “Thank the Lord! Look at how He’s blessing my life” when things start going well. Then you have one of those weeks, cancellations, bad news, a tough client week or whatever the case. I feel disappointment, if I’m honest with myself, and some confusion too.
