by Jill | May 13, 2015 | Bullying, Child Counseling, crisis intervention, grief
On April 26th, a group of teens were walking home when a Jeep containing several more teens followed and harassed them. In the end, Nathan Wombles was senselessly and brutally struck and killed in front of his family while protecting his brother, who was in the group of teenagers walking home. On Wednesday’s Thrive Global Network’s show, I am on with Kellye Williams and Mary Nichelson. They will talk with Nathan’s wife regarding the incident and to learn more about the man that Nathan was. Then they will be joined by myself, Thrive’s own Jill Osborne-licensed professional counselor-as I helps them work through the reality of bullying. We are dedicating this 1-hour special to the Wombles family, Nathan’s memory, and to acquire hands-on advice in dealing with a subject that impacts everyone. It’s an all new Thrive Weekly Magazine at 7 PM EST. http://www.revmediatv.com/radio/thrive-global-network -with Sandra Finley Ludwig
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by Jill | Apr 7, 2015 | How do I respond to tantrums, parenting, parenting tips, Parenting toddlers, parents, Toddler tantrums, Toddlers
How Do I Set Limits With my Toddler?
Many toddlers ages 2-4 go through testing limits. In fact toddlers and teenagers are a lot alike! they are both trying to learn boundaries and independence. It is important to remember how little they are and that they are still learning.
Here are Some Steps to Setting Limits
- Keep your own emotions in check and don’t discipline when you’re angry.
- Use a firm, but calm tone (hard I know sometimes).
- Keep language simple and concrete.
- Remove yourself from a power struggle by giving two choices.
- Use Encouragement!
- Be consistent with limits and don’t give in just to avert a tantrum
What Do I Say If my Child Has a Tantrum?
Sometimes you have to let a child calm down from a tantrum or meltdown before you can talk to them. I find it helpful to practice a few specific scripts to say to a child when I am teaching parents how to set limits. This helps give concrete things to say to a child who is upset or angry.
A great resource for what to say to a child when they are angry or having a tantrum can be found at www.angriesout.com. You will also find many other useful articles on how to communicate with your child when they are upset, or if they are showing aggressive behaviors.
What is Discipline and How is it Different than Punishment?
Discipline is about teaching, punishment is about suffering. When you are parenting and setting limits, it’s important to ask yourself what your short term and your long term goals are for your child. What do you want your child to learn from his or her misbehavior? How will this experience help develop responsibility?
Why is My Child Misbehaving?
I view behavior as purposeful. All behavior has a goal. This may or may not be a conscious goal. Misbehavior in children is often a misguided attempt to achieve one of four goals.
What Is Your Child’s Goal?
1. Gain attention?
2. Power and Control?
3. Revenge?
4. Having Feelings of Inadequacy?
Sometimes paying attention to your own feelings as a parent will give you an idea about what your child is trying to achieve. They will give you clues about the purpose of your child’s behavior.
How Are You Feeling in the Moment?
1. Annoyed? Your child may be trying to gain attention.
2. Angry? Your child may be wanting power or control over a situation.
3. Hurt? Your child may be wanting revenge.
4. Hopeless? Your child may be feeling inadequate.
When I first began working with children, I found it challenging to set limits and manage certain behaviors during group or in sessions. When I learned this it really helped me to realize that a child’s misbehavior is often not about the behavior itself, but a misguided attempt to meet their needs. Paying attention to my own feelings in the moment and using them as clues to my child’s needs really helped me to separate their behavior from my feelings and know how to respond.
A good book I could recommend (because I use it for my own kids!) is Toddler 411 by Meet authors
Dr. Ari Brown
and Denise Fields
What are some of your biggest challenges when parenting toddlers? Leave a comment below and lets get the conversation going!
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by Jill | Jan 6, 2015 | Child Counseling, family therapy, grief, parenting, sibling death
One of the questions I addressed to the listeners on Thrive Global Network dealt with the difficult loss of a sibling.
“What is the best way to help children deal with the loss of a sibling? (Our children were young when we lost 2 babies, but even as teenagers, their grief is very real and very present)”
Tips for parents with a loss of a sibling:
Loss of a child is one of the most difficult things families I work with deal with. Especially when you yourself are grieving and are caring for another child who is also grieving the loss.
In general there are 5 stages of grief. I like to look at it as more of a cycle because I think that people experience grief and loss in some way as they grow and change. For example holidays and anniversaries/birthdays you may experience sadness, grief of some sort even if you have come to accept the death of a person.
Also as a child grows they gain new insights to their lives and may experience the grief emotions differently as they grow. As children become teenagers they now may have a better understanding of the situation and have developed more insight. It is important to find some way to remember the person during these times and to allow yourself to feel the emotions of grief.
- Accept where the child/teen is in the grief process
- Encourage, but don’t force expression of emotions
- Grief is not a “problem to be fixed”, but something that must be experienced and felt. I see it as part of the healing process after a death or a loss
- Talk to your kids about how they may experience these feelings in their life again and it’s ok
- Continue to set appropriate limits with your children, “you feel____ but it is not ok to show it by throwing the toy or hitting your brother”
- Keep regular routines
- Reinforce positive memories, show pictures, create a memory book or photo album
- Ok to be honest about your own feelings (I feel sad) without being too overwhelming
- Adolescents can really benefit from participating in memorial events (not forced but given the opportunity)
- Sometimes the questions children have or the explanations can be uncomfortable for adults, and many adults try to protect children by avoiding clear terms, but it is important to understand that these questions are part of a child’s normal development and how they are trying to understand what has happened.
A story that I use with young children who’ve lost a sibling is called “Always My Brother” by Jean Reagan, which addresses sibling loss. Stories are great because they break down sometimes difficult issues in to a language children can understand
There are Five Stages of Grief : As presented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who “On Death and Dying”
Shock/Denial: disbelief that the death has occurred, or feeling numb to the death, others may mistakenly believe the person is fine because they are not crying or acting out or are showing little emotion.
Anger: either anger at the person who died, themselves (may blame self) or circumstances, child may act out or feel out of control
Bargaining: “If I am a good kid God can bring the person back” may have feelings of guilt
Depression: sadness, withdraw, realization the person is gone, feeling lonely, wanting life the way it was before the person died
Acceptance: Understands the reality that the person is gone and life is changed, misses the person but feels hope that things are going to be all right
Children experience losses differently depending on their age and development, and while the death may have occurred while they were small, when a person gets older you develop more insight into your life and issues and events or reminders or life events may bring up some feelings about the deaths.
Have you experienced the loss of a sibling yourself? Or have a question or comment about todays post? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.
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by Jill | Dec 1, 2014 | How much responsibility to give your teen, parenting, parenting christian teens, Parenting Teens, Setting limits with teens, Teens and Spirituality
I was recently interviewed on Thrive Global Media by Mary Nichelson and Kellye Williams. This is the first of a series of questions submitted by some of their listeners. The questions have been edited for content.
As a parent of teenagers, how do you find the perfect balance of letting go, yet protecting our kids? I still want to protect them without stifling their maturity and confidence. Where is the balance found?
Many parents struggle with trusting their teens, and with their teen’s need for independence. I think it depends on your teen, their age, and have they shown responsibility so far or are they showing you through their behavior that they cannot be trusted for some reason.
Teens still need boundaries and consistency with rules, discipline, however as they get older and show more responsibility you can be flexible and allow more freedom. Teens also can learn from life lessons that allow for natural consequences of their choices. For example, if they have a project due tomorrow and they’ve known all week but they are just starting on it today then give them the responsibility to get it done and experience the consequences of procrastination (more stress, not turn out as well, etc…).
If your teen is struggling with a lot of behavior problems, substance abuse, etc… then they may need more rules and more structure. I would also prioritize your battles, and choose which ones to fight (drug use, aggressive behavior) and which ones to let go of (hair color, etc…).
The teenage years are often a challenge for both parents of teens and their teenagers because teenagers to trying to gain their independence. This sometimes leads to pushing boundaries and sometimes conflict as the teen tries to explore their identity and independence. Teens explore various issues during this time including spirituality, sexuality, peer relationships, career goals, and relationships with caregivers.
One of the most challenging situations I think, for Christian parents is when a child begins to explore their beliefs and may either distance themselves from church, or explore different beliefs than those they were taught growing up. There can be different reasons why a teen may be struggling with their spirituality and church. Maybe they don’t feel they fit in with the peer group at the church they go to, or maybe they aren’t sure of their faith, the influence of culture, or a peer group they belong to.
Whatever the reason there are things you can do to help support your teen while they are going through this exploration process.
First, recognize this as a normal part of every teens development and how they are trying to reconcile their upbringing with becoming an independent adult. Secondly, encourage, but don’t force open communication about spiritual issues and why you believe what you believe.
Allow your teen freedom to discuss their opinions and questions openly. Additionally, if your teen wants to explore other churches, offer to attend with them, and discuss your differences afterwards. They key is open communication with your teen and allowing some responsibility for their own spiritual growth.
For some interesting stuff on teens and why many teens and young adults distance themselves from church read : Students Abandoning the Faith
For Parenting Contracts with your teen go here: Free Printable Parenting Contracts for Teens
For general information about parenting your teen go here: Parenting Teens at About Parenting
To Hear My Interview with Mary and Kellye Click Here: https://www.jillosbornelpc.com/events/
Have a teenage child? How do you balance boundaries with your teenager and allowing them to take more responsibility? Leave a comment below and let’s start the conversation!
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by Jill | Oct 7, 2014 | Counseling Supervision, grief, Play Therapy Supervision, Uncategorized
It’s been a year since my clinical supervisor and mentor, Judy Todd, died. I’ll never forget going to visit her in the hospital after her cancer diagnosis. I think I knew in my heart she was going to die. I felt sad, worried, scared. Since then I think of her frequently, mostly I miss her when I don’t know what direction to take with a client. I miss my group with her. I’ve looked for another group and nothing is the same. We went through a lot together, both clinically and professionally. I could always count on her to be stable, calming, and to know what to do. I’m still friends with the members of that group and other colleagues that knew Judy. In honor of her memory, I wanted to share some things she taught me.
Things I learned from Judy
1. Trust the relationship
2. Whatever happens, stick to your ethics
3. Breath and remain calm
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Focus on the child
6. Respect the child
7. Keep working through it
8. Have support
9. Play therapy works
10. Have confidence in yourself as a therapist
Supervisors and mentors are so important in the field of counseling, and I think her death re-enforced my belief in having someone more experienced than you in your life that you can consult with and learn from, and how long you can build a relationship with a supervisor. My relationship with her was a career making decision. From the first time I sat in on a play therapy session with her, and fell in love with it, to times in my career where other people around me were making poor ethical decisions supervision with her kept me grounded, focused, and confident in my work as a therapist. I hope that if you are under supervision, just starting out as a counselor or even someone who has been in a field a while that you have a mentor like I did.
Do you have a positive experience with a supervisor too? Share in the comments below and lets encourage each other!
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