by Jill | Jul 20, 2020 | Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, children self help, continuing education, counseling, divorce, family therapy, parenting, parents, Play Therapy, play therpay
What to Expect From Your Play Therapist if You’re Getting a Divorce
One of the most challenging issues a family can face is divorce. It affects everyone involved in some way. Children, parents, extended family, and others close to the situation. It can also be one of the most challenging and complex cases I can treat in play therapy. Emotions are high, changes are happening, and there are a lot of unknown factors. On a practical level, counseling for everyone involved is recommended.
So, if you, as a parent are going through a divorce, have been through a divorce, or planning on getting one, here are some ways to make your child gets the most benefit from play therapy and to assist your child in coping with the changes that are happening in your family and also what roles I can and cannot play as a child therapist.
Remember I’m there to treat your child, and am neutral when it comes to parental conflicts.
Understand that I will not be able to fix your marriage.
I cannot determine custody of your children.
Custody evaluation is a separate role from therapy, and there are mental health professionals, primarily psychologists, that specialize in this area.
Don’t involve me in your court issues.
It is paramount that I be able to maintain your child’s confidentiality and a neutral safe space for them to process their emotions. This is a traumatic time for them, and involving me in court will often require that I break that confidentiality and it always affect my therapeutic relationship with your child.
Give your child space for their own processing.
Your child will love both of you.
Both parents should participate in the therapy process in some way, taking turns to bring your child to therapy or coming together with them shows that you are supporting their journey through this process.
Participate in your own therapy.
This is a stressful and highly emotional time for everyone and I want you to take care of yourself as much as I want your child to get through this change as healthy as possible.
Keep children out of adult conflicts.
This includes parenting disagreements, knowledge about court proceedings over their developmental level, questioning your child about the other parent, or other situations where it puts your child in a no-win situation.
If your child is upset or emotional, listen, empathize and allow for open expression of feelings even if it is difficult for you.
Don’t blame, complain, or vent about your ex- or soon to be ex-spouse in front of your child.
Be honest with your child: tell them what they need to know, when a change is occurring
It is ok to say “I don’t know,” or “let me think about my answer” to questions children may have for which you yourself are uncertain.
Be prepared for children to have various emotions.
Maintain a predictable routine as much as possible
Maintain your parenting limits and boundaries.
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by Jill | Aug 12, 2019 | Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, Burnout prevention, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, continuing education, Coping with Burnout, counseling, Finding Peace, mental health business, Play Therapist Self Care, Play Therapy
“Accepting the presence of compassion fatigue in your life only serves to validate the fact that you are a deeply caring individual. Somewhere along your healing path, the truth will present itself: You don’t have to make a choice. It is possible to practice healthy, ongoing self-care while successfully continuing to care for others.”
Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project ©(2017)
Man, I had a tough week last week. Do you ever have one of those? Most of us do. Counseling can be a rewarding job, you have the privilege to see people through some of their most difficult points in life and the come out the other side better than they were before. But, sometimes you have just one of those weeks, or days or cases that gets to you for one reason or another.
Child therapy especially, in my opinion bring another level of emotional challenge. You see children through abuse, neglect, and often changes in their lives that they have no control over. They are dependant on the adults in their lives to be safe, and there are some fantastic parents out there, but home is not always a safe or stable place for children. Witnessing that day in day out can lead to disillusionment and frustration with environmental factors. It can be easy to lose home for a moment, and forget that there is hope out there, there are safe places, there are puppies and rainbows, there are caring people out there.
It’s natural and human for us as counselors to have emotions about our cases and to sometimes see others’ pain as our own. (See Dr. Sood’s Video on emotions and the brain here). We have the unique position of holding others’ pain while at the same time being responsible for managing the challenges, hurts and trials of our own lives. Sometimes we can experience compassion fatigue. When we do, we should be accepting of where we are. Is it worth the challenge? You tell me in the comments below.
For Mental Health Professionals Working Towards Becoming a Registered Play Therapist or a Licensed Professional Counselor
For Mental Health Professionals Looking for Continuing Eduaction Training
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by Jill | Sep 6, 2018 | Anxiety, Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, Burnout prevention, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, Coping with Burnout, Counseling Ethics, Counseling Supervision, mental health business, Play Therapist Self Care, Play Therapy Supervision, private practice, ptsd treatments, stress management, Therapist Self Care
Burnout prevention
Most of the time I thrive on challenging cases. Give me a traumatized child or a female fleeing a case of domestic abuse and I’m your therapist. I don’t know what it is, I do really well with long term, hard cases. The blessing here is that I’ve found a niche that I thrive in, but I have learned in my experience that I have to mix up they type of cases I work with, some worried well here, anxiety here, mixed in with supervising new counselors and play therapist.
Lately I’ve noticed I’ve had multiple challenging cases especially those that have to do with children and familieis who are in the middle of a crisis. I found myself today feeling emotional and irritated, and I was worried about a lot of things. When I start to feel this way I know these are signs that I have too many trauma cases, or complicated cases and it’s time to readjust somewhere.
Stress like this in the short term is to be expected, especially when you are in the counseling field, and can even be a motivator to get things done, but I’ve learned to be aware of it and take some steps to care for myself before it becomes a constant problem.
Stress is a normal part of every day life, and that if I take steps to manage it, and sometimes even make friends with it, I can lead a productive and fulfilling life. Stress is the “fight or flight” response in your brain that is there to help keep you safe in dangerous, or perceived danger. Our goal is not to complete be free of stress (that would be impossible) but to manage it and use it to our advantage.
Stress in small doses can be helpful, in fact according to healthguidance.org, some research appears to show that students can improve on their exams if they are experiencing stress in small doses.
It Can:
- Give energy and motivation to complete a task.
- Help to conquer a fear.
- Help have short term energy.
- Help avoid an immediate situation.
- It can help you avoid an unsafe situation.
- It can help you focus on something you have to get done.
The problem is not short term stress, stress is meant to deal with a perceived unsafe situation and then we go back to logical, rational thinking rather than survival mode. The problem is when stress occurs and builds over time.
When I was a new counselor in training I was working in the mental health field while simultaneously going through my counseling internship. I was probably working about 60 hours a week, half at my Day Treatment Job and the other half at the domestic violence shelter where I interned. During that time, and due to some circumstances at my agency that were outside my control and also trying to balance my personal struggles of dealing with overwork, I began feeling guilt about the the circumstances I was in. This turned into lack of sleep and difficulty getting a client situation out of my head.
At the time as a newer professional I didn’t know I was experiencing signs of the over stress or what to do about it. It wasn’t until a supervisor at the internship sat me down and said to me that she noticed that I was over stress, and that I should go to my own therapy during this process. I am super thankful for that. It was one of the best decisions I made to take care of myself. It helped me to overcome fear and self doubt, and to deal with the challenging circumstances I was facing at the time.
I can’t say that I’ve never had periods of feeling stressed or overworked, because I have, but the difference now is that I know what to do to take care of myself and I’m not ashamed to ask for help. I don’t know if I knew at the time what a gift it was to be told to ask for help.
I share this because overstress over time can have effects on the counselor and counseling relationship, but I believe there is hope if we know when to ask for help, or if we notice a colleague having some challenges with overstress we know how to support them.
Some of the effects on the counselor can include: depression, insomnia and withdrawal from others to start (this is not and exhaustive list) and on the counseling relationship: diminished empathy, respect or positive feelings for clients and becoming unresponsive to clients needs.
I believe she should be aware of these feelings in ourselves, but I don’t think it is something to feel ashamed or guilty about.
To quote the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project:
“Accepting the presence of compassion fatigue in your life only serves to validate the fact that you are a deeply caring individual. Somewhere along your healing path, the truth will present itself: You don’t have to make a choice. It is possible to practice healthy, ongoing self-care while successfully continuing to care for others.”
Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project ©(2017)
www.compassionfatigue.org
So what do you do to combat overstress in our field?
- Self monitoring, and develop self-awareness
- Obtaining supervision and consultation
- Intervention and support of colleagues
- Training staff on effects of burnout/secondary trauma
- Have debriefings for coworkers/staff if dealing with particularly difficult cases
You are not alone. There is a profession full of caring and supportive people that are here for you.
If you are looking for supervision and/or consultation or even therapy for support during your own journey, reach out.
So what do you do when you’re overstressed?
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by Jill | Apr 17, 2018 | Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, Burnout prevention, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, Coping with Burnout, Counseling Ethics, Counseling Supervision, Finding Peace, Play Therapy Ethics, Play Therapy Supervision, private practice, self care, stress management, Therapist Self Care
A few weeks ago I found out a colleague who used to work on the other side of town now worked close by, so I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch or something. I had a lot on my to do list and I have been pounding the pavement so they say for a while, and so lunches in the middle of the day on the work week outside of the office have been few and far between. I was almost afraid to go because I didn’t want to set back my never-ending to-do list and miss those ever so important to me (that I set for my overachieving self) deadlines.
But I went.
And MAN am I so glad.
Sometimes, even in a setting where I work around other people I start to feel like I live on an island. I was so self-focused and focused on the day to day that I didn’t even realize how much I needed that break in my week. We talked, we relived past work experiences that had been toxic or that we had seen as off the chain, and even laughed about the craziness of a profession we call counseling.
It really hit home for me the importance of reaching out and asking for help, and asking for social interaction with others in the profession. It helps me feel like I’m not so crazy, and we’re not alone.
We can get so focused on our to-do’s, our busy schedules, and the heavy material that we carry from our clients that we can forget that there are others out there, experiencing similar things.
We are not alone.
Say it with me: WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS PROFESSION.
We are not on an island; we are not machines.
The more and more I study counselor self care and how stress effects us, the less I believe I can separate self care and seeking support from others from how well we can do our jobs. I found myself on more than one occasion lately needing to reach out to others for support, to reboot, revitalize, and refocus so that I can be there for my clients, supervisees, and family.
It is our responsibility as mental health professionals to look out for each other in the field and support each other. Together. Put aside our differences whatever they are and be there for our brothers and sisters in the profession. We were made for this connection. This is part of what helps us live and breath what we do.
Jill Osborne, EDS, LPC, CPCS, RPTS
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by Jill | Jul 20, 2017 | afraid, Anxiety, Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, continuing education, Counseling Supervision, mental health business, Play Therapist Self Care, Play Therapy, Play Therapy Supervision, Uncategorized
I’ll never forget the first time I saw play therapy. When my late supervisor allowed me to observe my first play therapy session I fell in love at first sight. It felt right. It felt natural to me and I loved how it worked with where the child was in their development.
That session was a pivotal moment for me. It started a passion that motivated me to pursue my career and specialty as a play therapist and play therapist supervisor. I had so much to learn, but it didn’t stop me from moving towards my goals.
I had no idea what kind of challenges lay ahead, including difficult work environments, heavy caseloads, and the level of trauma and complex issues that my young clients face with courage.
I have non-therapist friends ask me “how do you work with …(place favorite issues here). What I tell people (and myself when I’m faced with challenges of my job) is that yes, but I get to see a child heal from a trauma, connect with their parent, make new friends, learn how to stop being afraid and live a full life. I get to watch people heal and increase their faith in their God and themselves. I get to spend my day alongside young ones who deal with so much they should be too young for.
At the end of the day it’s encouraging work. It’s worth it. Some cases are sad. True. I have to constantly balance my work life, and personal life, true. I have to keep my emotions in check sometimes and my support systems close. But at the end of the day, it’s worth it.
What’s your passion? What fuels you? Leave a Comment Below about how you found your passion.
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by Jill | Jul 28, 2015 | Bullying, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, Cyber-bullying, parenting, Parenting Teens, parenting tips
Last April I had the amazing opportunity to be interviewed on Thrive Global Network in response to a death of Nate Wombles
Unfortunately many children and even adults are involved in the bullying cycle.
Many parents feel stuck if their child is involved in a bullying situation. How do you teach your child to respond without egging on the child who bullies?
What is Bullying, and What do I do about it?
Bullying is aggressive, threatening behavior by one child or adult towards another child/adult. The whole goal of the bully is to gain power or control over a person who they perceive is weaker than them.
Bullying can be verbal, emotional or physical or through technology, called “Cyberbullying.”
(http://www.stopbullying.gov/)(http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html)
Bullying can occur either by one person or groups. Groups of bullies may also be called gangs.
Bullying is not just for kids, bullying can occur at any age, even into adulthood.
There are different roles students play in a bullying situation.
The person doing the bullying
The person being bullied
Someone who is both bullied and being a bully towards others.
Those who defend or stand up for the person being bullied.
Those who assist the bully.
Those who reinforce the bully by becoming bystanders.
A person can both be the victim of bullying and also bully others at the same time.
What are signs a child is being bullied?
Signs a child may be a bullying victim are:
Unexplained bruises, scrapes or marks
Changes in behavior such as eating habits, nightmares, stomach aches, making excuses to not go to school, ride the bus.
Unexplained damage or loss of belongings
Child coming home hungry
Changes in grades
Child becomes sad, anxious, angry, or depressed
Child beginds withdrawing from others
Stops hanging around friends
Sources: http://www.stopbullying.gov/, “Bullies are a pain in the brain”, and www.Safechild.net
What do I do if I think my child is being bullied?
What parents can do if a child is being bullied:
- Address the situation immediately.
- If you’re not sure communicate with your child by stating the changes you’ve noticed and asking what happened. http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It
- Role play ways to respond to the bully with your child.
- Listen to your child when they want to talk about it.
- Don’t encourage the child to ignore it or fight back
- Encourage confidence and assertive communication
- Talk to your child about who to tell if they are being bullied, create a safety plan with your child.
- If the school is involved, allow school officials to address the other parents rather than calling them yourself
- Seek counseling for your child if he or she is in distress (anxious, depressed, withdrawing, etc…)
What your child can co if he or she is being bullied.
The main thing to teach your child about preventing bullying is how to show confidence.
- Don’t cry, and stay calm (crying gives them satisfaction)
- Stay away from groups of bullies/gangs
- Tell an adult if they see weapons, are being teased/bullied, you can help your child make a list of people they can go to
- Go a different way than the bullies if having to walk home or go to a different part of the playground
- Spend time with other friends
- Run away from the situation if they are after them, preferably to an adult he or she trusts.
- Tell their friends, friends can even help stand up for them.
- Stick up for him or her self by using a confident voice “I don’t like….”
- Practice what to say
- Remember the bully wants power, it is more about their need for power than about you
- If a child is alone and the bully wants their stuff, teach them to give it to them and leave the situation.
Some don’ts when dealing with bullies (Romain)
- Don’t cry
- Stay calm
- Don’t ignore
- Don’t taunt the bully.
- Don’t beg the bully not to hurt you.
- Don’t believe the names they call you are think negative about yourself
- Name call back or agree with them
- Try to fight back
What can bystanders do to help bullying?
“Research shows that bystanders intervene only 20% of the time, but when they do, bullying stops about 50% of the time,” Bazelon said.
Even the smallest act of intervention can work wonders, she added. “Bystanders can help in many ways, simply by standing with the victim or touching their shoulder during an incident, or even by sending a supportive text or calling them on the phone afterward.” http://info.character.org/blog/bid/177221/Be-More-Than-a-Bystander-Speak-Up-Against-Bullying-and-Violence
- Stand up for the person being bullied
- Don’t give bullying an audience
- Help the child being bullied get away without getting yourself in harms way.
- Tell a trusted adult
- Be friends
What teachers and schools and organizations can do if bullying is occurring:
First get the facts from multiple sources.
- Listen to those involve without judgement or labeling
- Separate children involved
- Make sure person doing bullying knows what the problem is
- Identify reasons child may have bullied
- Have clear consequences:
- have class discussion, role play situations
- Attempt to help children make amends
- stopbullying.gov has several tips on involving person doing bullying in consequences , including apology letters, doing good deeds, and what to stay away from
- Provide opportunites for bullying education
Signs your child is bullying other children:
- Gets into frequent arguments or fights with others
- Is angry
- Blames others for their problems
- Unexplained new belongings or money
- Frequent trips to the principle’s office at school.
There is a quiz at the end of Bullies are a Pain in the Brain to screen if your child is bullying others.
What to do if your child is bullying others?
- Don’t get defensive, take responsibility for your child.
- Talk to your child to tell you what happened and listen to their side.
- Try to find out the issue your child is dealing with that led to the bullying behavior.
- Set limits.
- Apply consequences to the behavior
- Provide alternatives to aggressive behavior.
- Ask your child how you can help.
- Seek professional help for your child if necessary to deal with the source of the issue.
Why do people bully others? According to stompoutbullying.org
- Power and Control is the main issue surrounding bullying behavior
- Sometimes someone else is also bullying the child
- Child may be having difficulties at home or have experienced abuse, neglect or witnessed aggressive behavior themselves
- To avoid getting bullied
- For social power
- Some plan their bullying and are liked by others but not their victims
Why don’t kids tell?
stopbullying.gov reported on the Indicators of School Crime and safety that bullying is reported to adults less than 40% of the time
- Feeling helpless
- Fear or intimidation by others
- Not wanting to be seen as a tattletale
- Feelings of isolation and withdrawal
What are the risk factors for being bullied?
It’s important to note that while these are risk factors, not all children with these characteristics are bullied.
- Seen as quiet or different by other children
- Difficulty speaking up for themselves
- Difficulty with peer relationships
- Are anxious, depressed or low self esteeme
What are the risk factors for bullying?
There are two types of those who bully defined by stopbullying.gov
Those whose goals are concerned with popularity, power, control.
Those who are more isolated, have low self esteem, less involved in school, less social involvement with peers.
Other risk factors include:
- Are aggressive
- More difficulties at home
- View violence as a way to handle their problems
- Less involvement from parents,
- Negative view of others
- Difficulty following rules
- Have friends who bully
What are the long term consequences of bullying?
- A NY Times article summaries a study by the JAMA network on psychiatry that found long term consequences of childhood bullying into young adulthood.
- Young adults were interviewed/assessed on which role they played in the bullying scenario and placed into different groups
- Outcomes included increased anxiety and panic for those who were victims, increased panic for those who were both bullies and victims and increased instance of adult antisocial behavior for those who were bullies but not victims.
“A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.” www.stopbullying.org
Resources and links
“Bullies are a Pain in the Brain” written and illustrated by Trevor Romain
“Cyber Bullying Not More” by Holli Kenley, MA
stopbullying.gov
http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It
http://safechild.org/categoryparents/preventing-bullying/
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/
http://acestoohigh.com/2015/03/02/bullying-starts-early-with-parents-and-babies/
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html
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