by Jill | Jul 20, 2020 | Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, children self help, continuing education, counseling, divorce, family therapy, parenting, parents, Play Therapy, play therpay
What to Expect From Your Play Therapist if You’re Getting a Divorce
One of the most challenging issues a family can face is divorce. It affects everyone involved in some way. Children, parents, extended family, and others close to the situation. It can also be one of the most challenging and complex cases I can treat in play therapy. Emotions are high, changes are happening, and there are a lot of unknown factors. On a practical level, counseling for everyone involved is recommended.
So, if you, as a parent are going through a divorce, have been through a divorce, or planning on getting one, here are some ways to make your child gets the most benefit from play therapy and to assist your child in coping with the changes that are happening in your family and also what roles I can and cannot play as a child therapist.
Remember I’m there to treat your child, and am neutral when it comes to parental conflicts.
Understand that I will not be able to fix your marriage.
I cannot determine custody of your children.
Custody evaluation is a separate role from therapy, and there are mental health professionals, primarily psychologists, that specialize in this area.
Don’t involve me in your court issues.
It is paramount that I be able to maintain your child’s confidentiality and a neutral safe space for them to process their emotions. This is a traumatic time for them, and involving me in court will often require that I break that confidentiality and it always affect my therapeutic relationship with your child.
Give your child space for their own processing.
Your child will love both of you.
Both parents should participate in the therapy process in some way, taking turns to bring your child to therapy or coming together with them shows that you are supporting their journey through this process.
Participate in your own therapy.
This is a stressful and highly emotional time for everyone and I want you to take care of yourself as much as I want your child to get through this change as healthy as possible.
Keep children out of adult conflicts.
This includes parenting disagreements, knowledge about court proceedings over their developmental level, questioning your child about the other parent, or other situations where it puts your child in a no-win situation.
If your child is upset or emotional, listen, empathize and allow for open expression of feelings even if it is difficult for you.
Don’t blame, complain, or vent about your ex- or soon to be ex-spouse in front of your child.
Be honest with your child: tell them what they need to know, when a change is occurring
It is ok to say “I don’t know,” or “let me think about my answer” to questions children may have for which you yourself are uncertain.
Be prepared for children to have various emotions.
Maintain a predictable routine as much as possible
Maintain your parenting limits and boundaries.
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by Jill | Dec 30, 2017 | Becoming a Licensed Professional Counselor, Boundaries, Burnout prevention, children, Coping with Burnout, Finding Peace, Holiday Stress, Jill Osborne, mental health business, parenting, Play Therapist Self Care, self care, small business, stress management, Therapist Self Care
Overscheduled
I looked at my schedule and I asked, “what did I do to myself.” It was the week before Christmas and I looked at my calendar and realized I crammed as many client appointments as I could all week, supervision appointments, all after a full training day the week before and amidst all the holiday to dos that weren’t yet done.
Man did I feel overwhelmed. I forgot the white space. You know, the space between clients to get my documentation done, the time to wrap up loose ends from training day, pay taxes, all the fun stuff.
I worked so long last week (training week which always adds more to dos’) that my 4 year old daughter asked me, “mommy does your work close?”
Oops. I overscheduled myself again. I felt guilty about it most of the week because I miss my kids and this time of year you plan holiday activities (our holiday pancakes with Santa was kind of a bust because 4 year old cried the whole time because she had an ear infection).
I know what I was thinking when I scheduled it all. I was thinking that I needed the money and my clients needed me. Feelings like I wanted to please others and not disappoint anyone by making them wait until January for an appointment.
On the other end of it, I prayed for this. I prayed for full client load, a growing training and supervision business, and to expand myself. Growing pains.
I think this kind of thing ebbs and flows for me. I go from not busy enough and broke to overdoing it. But I kind of feel like our business, the counseling business is like that. Ebb and flow. Busy and not busy. The trick for me is, I think, is noticing when it gets too much and pulling back and making necessary adjustments, sticking to boundaries, assisting clients to move along that are ready for discharge, etc.… and stop being so hard on myself when it starts to take over and run into family life, but just to make the changes I need to make.
Sometimes that advice is easy to say, but takes a TON of courage to pull off. I have had to work very hard at setting boundaries in general and it doesn’t come easy to me. I am really blessed right now when I think about it. To have enough work that I need to pull back and set boundaries in my daily schedule, time to breathe, time to write, and time to create.
Gratitude for it helps. Gratitude and making small adjustments along the way to tweak the overworked schedule into something more balanced. I’m thankful.
How do you manage your schedule when it becomes insane? Leave a comment below with your tips. Thanks!
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by Jill | Aug 7, 2017 | changes, parenting, parents, self care, small business, stress management, Therapist Self Care
“Mommy you don’t play with us.” Ouch. My kid said this one day when we were at home and talking about a game we are about to play. What an awakening. I work with families and children. I play with children all day long. And I always felt like my priorities were right. But this got my attention. I have been working a ton recently on some awesome opportunities, and some things have gotten off.
As a therapist and a mom it is always a challenge to balance both career and family. I’m a pretty driven person who deals with a streak of perfectionism, so if I’m not careful I can find myself out of balance. I see this issue come up time and again both with parents of the children I work with, supervisees and other working parents. How do you have a career that supports your family financially, but at the same time stay connected with your family? I have the fortunate opportunity to be able to adjust my schedule and have flexibility, and not every family has that. However there are some things that I do that helps me, and I hope that it can help other parents to readjust as necessary. Please note I have NOT perfected this in anyway and am constantly learning how to incorporate these in my own life.
- Let go of getting everything done all the time. Some things will be left undone. There is finite number of hours in a day and it is impossible to complete everything every day.
- Make the time you do spend with your children/family count. I make it a point to keep my weekends low key and not over scheduled. This is necessary both from a self-care point of view and bonding with my children. We have certain routines that we do keep on the weekends (such as at least one day we have movie and pizza night).
- Set a cut of time for work. In my field it can seem like there is something to do all the time, and setting a cut off time to stop working and go home has worked wonders. I will even put “GO HOME” on my schedule to give myself a visual reminder to NOT SCHEDULE SOMETHING THERE.
- Say no more than you say yes. It is tempting to take on multiple projects, Post this! Schedule this! Volunteer here! But giving yourself permission to say no sometimes will help focus your attention on the things that matter the most.
- Plan self care times every day to decompress. (for me it’s herbal tea before bed and watching something stupid on TV).
- Seek out consultation and networking with other parents in your field. You will find that it’s not just you, no you’re not crazy for being a working parent, and also remind you that we are in this together.
- Accept help from others.
- Ask for help.
- Give yourself the permission to adjust as needed. I have found that I have had to adjust my schedule or way of working every few years as my family’s needs change. My family’s needs change depending on the stage we’re in, for instance my kids had different needs when they were babies, but now that one is preschool age and the other is school age they need attention in different areas.
- Make smaller adjustments as you go along, rather than big leaps. Change happens as you make small adjustments to your schedule and your life, generally not in one big leap. And sometimes the simple adjustments (such as adjusting your cut off time for one day) makes a bigger impact than you expect.
What helps you maintain your sanity as a working parent? Whether you are a therapist or not? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to read everyone’s tips.
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by Jill | Jul 28, 2015 | Bullying, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, Cyber-bullying, parenting, Parenting Teens, parenting tips
Last April I had the amazing opportunity to be interviewed on Thrive Global Network in response to a death of Nate Wombles
Unfortunately many children and even adults are involved in the bullying cycle.
Many parents feel stuck if their child is involved in a bullying situation. How do you teach your child to respond without egging on the child who bullies?
What is Bullying, and What do I do about it?
Bullying is aggressive, threatening behavior by one child or adult towards another child/adult. The whole goal of the bully is to gain power or control over a person who they perceive is weaker than them.
Bullying can be verbal, emotional or physical or through technology, called “Cyberbullying.”
(http://www.stopbullying.gov/)(http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html)
Bullying can occur either by one person or groups. Groups of bullies may also be called gangs.
Bullying is not just for kids, bullying can occur at any age, even into adulthood.
There are different roles students play in a bullying situation.
The person doing the bullying
The person being bullied
Someone who is both bullied and being a bully towards others.
Those who defend or stand up for the person being bullied.
Those who assist the bully.
Those who reinforce the bully by becoming bystanders.
A person can both be the victim of bullying and also bully others at the same time.
What are signs a child is being bullied?
Signs a child may be a bullying victim are:
Unexplained bruises, scrapes or marks
Changes in behavior such as eating habits, nightmares, stomach aches, making excuses to not go to school, ride the bus.
Unexplained damage or loss of belongings
Child coming home hungry
Changes in grades
Child becomes sad, anxious, angry, or depressed
Child beginds withdrawing from others
Stops hanging around friends
Sources: http://www.stopbullying.gov/, “Bullies are a pain in the brain”, and www.Safechild.net
What do I do if I think my child is being bullied?
What parents can do if a child is being bullied:
- Address the situation immediately.
- If you’re not sure communicate with your child by stating the changes you’ve noticed and asking what happened. http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It
- Role play ways to respond to the bully with your child.
- Listen to your child when they want to talk about it.
- Don’t encourage the child to ignore it or fight back
- Encourage confidence and assertive communication
- Talk to your child about who to tell if they are being bullied, create a safety plan with your child.
- If the school is involved, allow school officials to address the other parents rather than calling them yourself
- Seek counseling for your child if he or she is in distress (anxious, depressed, withdrawing, etc…)
What your child can co if he or she is being bullied.
The main thing to teach your child about preventing bullying is how to show confidence.
- Don’t cry, and stay calm (crying gives them satisfaction)
- Stay away from groups of bullies/gangs
- Tell an adult if they see weapons, are being teased/bullied, you can help your child make a list of people they can go to
- Go a different way than the bullies if having to walk home or go to a different part of the playground
- Spend time with other friends
- Run away from the situation if they are after them, preferably to an adult he or she trusts.
- Tell their friends, friends can even help stand up for them.
- Stick up for him or her self by using a confident voice “I don’t like….”
- Practice what to say
- Remember the bully wants power, it is more about their need for power than about you
- If a child is alone and the bully wants their stuff, teach them to give it to them and leave the situation.
Some don’ts when dealing with bullies (Romain)
- Don’t cry
- Stay calm
- Don’t ignore
- Don’t taunt the bully.
- Don’t beg the bully not to hurt you.
- Don’t believe the names they call you are think negative about yourself
- Name call back or agree with them
- Try to fight back
What can bystanders do to help bullying?
“Research shows that bystanders intervene only 20% of the time, but when they do, bullying stops about 50% of the time,” Bazelon said.
Even the smallest act of intervention can work wonders, she added. “Bystanders can help in many ways, simply by standing with the victim or touching their shoulder during an incident, or even by sending a supportive text or calling them on the phone afterward.” http://info.character.org/blog/bid/177221/Be-More-Than-a-Bystander-Speak-Up-Against-Bullying-and-Violence
- Stand up for the person being bullied
- Don’t give bullying an audience
- Help the child being bullied get away without getting yourself in harms way.
- Tell a trusted adult
- Be friends
What teachers and schools and organizations can do if bullying is occurring:
First get the facts from multiple sources.
- Listen to those involve without judgement or labeling
- Separate children involved
- Make sure person doing bullying knows what the problem is
- Identify reasons child may have bullied
- Have clear consequences:
- have class discussion, role play situations
- Attempt to help children make amends
- stopbullying.gov has several tips on involving person doing bullying in consequences , including apology letters, doing good deeds, and what to stay away from
- Provide opportunites for bullying education
Signs your child is bullying other children:
- Gets into frequent arguments or fights with others
- Is angry
- Blames others for their problems
- Unexplained new belongings or money
- Frequent trips to the principle’s office at school.
There is a quiz at the end of Bullies are a Pain in the Brain to screen if your child is bullying others.
What to do if your child is bullying others?
- Don’t get defensive, take responsibility for your child.
- Talk to your child to tell you what happened and listen to their side.
- Try to find out the issue your child is dealing with that led to the bullying behavior.
- Set limits.
- Apply consequences to the behavior
- Provide alternatives to aggressive behavior.
- Ask your child how you can help.
- Seek professional help for your child if necessary to deal with the source of the issue.
Why do people bully others? According to stompoutbullying.org
- Power and Control is the main issue surrounding bullying behavior
- Sometimes someone else is also bullying the child
- Child may be having difficulties at home or have experienced abuse, neglect or witnessed aggressive behavior themselves
- To avoid getting bullied
- For social power
- Some plan their bullying and are liked by others but not their victims
Why don’t kids tell?
stopbullying.gov reported on the Indicators of School Crime and safety that bullying is reported to adults less than 40% of the time
- Feeling helpless
- Fear or intimidation by others
- Not wanting to be seen as a tattletale
- Feelings of isolation and withdrawal
What are the risk factors for being bullied?
It’s important to note that while these are risk factors, not all children with these characteristics are bullied.
- Seen as quiet or different by other children
- Difficulty speaking up for themselves
- Difficulty with peer relationships
- Are anxious, depressed or low self esteeme
What are the risk factors for bullying?
There are two types of those who bully defined by stopbullying.gov
Those whose goals are concerned with popularity, power, control.
Those who are more isolated, have low self esteem, less involved in school, less social involvement with peers.
Other risk factors include:
- Are aggressive
- More difficulties at home
- View violence as a way to handle their problems
- Less involvement from parents,
- Negative view of others
- Difficulty following rules
- Have friends who bully
What are the long term consequences of bullying?
- A NY Times article summaries a study by the JAMA network on psychiatry that found long term consequences of childhood bullying into young adulthood.
- Young adults were interviewed/assessed on which role they played in the bullying scenario and placed into different groups
- Outcomes included increased anxiety and panic for those who were victims, increased panic for those who were both bullies and victims and increased instance of adult antisocial behavior for those who were bullies but not victims.
“A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.” www.stopbullying.org
Resources and links
“Bullies are a Pain in the Brain” written and illustrated by Trevor Romain
“Cyber Bullying Not More” by Holli Kenley, MA
stopbullying.gov
http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It
http://safechild.org/categoryparents/preventing-bullying/
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/
http://acestoohigh.com/2015/03/02/bullying-starts-early-with-parents-and-babies/
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html
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by Jill | Apr 7, 2015 | How do I respond to tantrums, parenting, parenting tips, Parenting toddlers, parents, Toddler tantrums, Toddlers
How Do I Set Limits With my Toddler?
Many toddlers ages 2-4 go through testing limits. In fact toddlers and teenagers are a lot alike! they are both trying to learn boundaries and independence. It is important to remember how little they are and that they are still learning.
Here are Some Steps to Setting Limits
- Keep your own emotions in check and don’t discipline when you’re angry.
- Use a firm, but calm tone (hard I know sometimes).
- Keep language simple and concrete.
- Remove yourself from a power struggle by giving two choices.
- Use Encouragement!
- Be consistent with limits and don’t give in just to avert a tantrum
What Do I Say If my Child Has a Tantrum?
Sometimes you have to let a child calm down from a tantrum or meltdown before you can talk to them. I find it helpful to practice a few specific scripts to say to a child when I am teaching parents how to set limits. This helps give concrete things to say to a child who is upset or angry.
A great resource for what to say to a child when they are angry or having a tantrum can be found at www.angriesout.com. You will also find many other useful articles on how to communicate with your child when they are upset, or if they are showing aggressive behaviors.
What is Discipline and How is it Different than Punishment?
Discipline is about teaching, punishment is about suffering. When you are parenting and setting limits, it’s important to ask yourself what your short term and your long term goals are for your child. What do you want your child to learn from his or her misbehavior? How will this experience help develop responsibility?
Why is My Child Misbehaving?
I view behavior as purposeful. All behavior has a goal. This may or may not be a conscious goal. Misbehavior in children is often a misguided attempt to achieve one of four goals.
What Is Your Child’s Goal?
1. Gain attention?
2. Power and Control?
3. Revenge?
4. Having Feelings of Inadequacy?
Sometimes paying attention to your own feelings as a parent will give you an idea about what your child is trying to achieve. They will give you clues about the purpose of your child’s behavior.
How Are You Feeling in the Moment?
1. Annoyed? Your child may be trying to gain attention.
2. Angry? Your child may be wanting power or control over a situation.
3. Hurt? Your child may be wanting revenge.
4. Hopeless? Your child may be feeling inadequate.
When I first began working with children, I found it challenging to set limits and manage certain behaviors during group or in sessions. When I learned this it really helped me to realize that a child’s misbehavior is often not about the behavior itself, but a misguided attempt to meet their needs. Paying attention to my own feelings in the moment and using them as clues to my child’s needs really helped me to separate their behavior from my feelings and know how to respond.
A good book I could recommend (because I use it for my own kids!) is Toddler 411 by Meet authors
Dr. Ari Brown
and Denise Fields
What are some of your biggest challenges when parenting toddlers? Leave a comment below and lets get the conversation going!
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by Jill | Jan 6, 2015 | Child Counseling, family therapy, grief, parenting, sibling death
One of the questions I addressed to the listeners on Thrive Global Network dealt with the difficult loss of a sibling.
“What is the best way to help children deal with the loss of a sibling? (Our children were young when we lost 2 babies, but even as teenagers, their grief is very real and very present)”
Tips for parents with a loss of a sibling:
Loss of a child is one of the most difficult things families I work with deal with. Especially when you yourself are grieving and are caring for another child who is also grieving the loss.
In general there are 5 stages of grief. I like to look at it as more of a cycle because I think that people experience grief and loss in some way as they grow and change. For example holidays and anniversaries/birthdays you may experience sadness, grief of some sort even if you have come to accept the death of a person.
Also as a child grows they gain new insights to their lives and may experience the grief emotions differently as they grow. As children become teenagers they now may have a better understanding of the situation and have developed more insight. It is important to find some way to remember the person during these times and to allow yourself to feel the emotions of grief.
- Accept where the child/teen is in the grief process
- Encourage, but don’t force expression of emotions
- Grief is not a “problem to be fixed”, but something that must be experienced and felt. I see it as part of the healing process after a death or a loss
- Talk to your kids about how they may experience these feelings in their life again and it’s ok
- Continue to set appropriate limits with your children, “you feel____ but it is not ok to show it by throwing the toy or hitting your brother”
- Keep regular routines
- Reinforce positive memories, show pictures, create a memory book or photo album
- Ok to be honest about your own feelings (I feel sad) without being too overwhelming
- Adolescents can really benefit from participating in memorial events (not forced but given the opportunity)
- Sometimes the questions children have or the explanations can be uncomfortable for adults, and many adults try to protect children by avoiding clear terms, but it is important to understand that these questions are part of a child’s normal development and how they are trying to understand what has happened.
A story that I use with young children who’ve lost a sibling is called “Always My Brother” by Jean Reagan, which addresses sibling loss. Stories are great because they break down sometimes difficult issues in to a language children can understand
There are Five Stages of Grief : As presented by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who “On Death and Dying”
Shock/Denial: disbelief that the death has occurred, or feeling numb to the death, others may mistakenly believe the person is fine because they are not crying or acting out or are showing little emotion.
Anger: either anger at the person who died, themselves (may blame self) or circumstances, child may act out or feel out of control
Bargaining: “If I am a good kid God can bring the person back” may have feelings of guilt
Depression: sadness, withdraw, realization the person is gone, feeling lonely, wanting life the way it was before the person died
Acceptance: Understands the reality that the person is gone and life is changed, misses the person but feels hope that things are going to be all right
Children experience losses differently depending on their age and development, and while the death may have occurred while they were small, when a person gets older you develop more insight into your life and issues and events or reminders or life events may bring up some feelings about the deaths.
Have you experienced the loss of a sibling yourself? Or have a question or comment about todays post? Leave a comment below and join the conversation.
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