How Do I Help a Child Involved in Bullying? Show Notes from Justice For Nate

How Do I Help a Child Involved in Bullying? Show Notes from Justice For Nate

by | Jul 28, 2015 | Bullying, Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, Cyber-bullying, parenting, Parenting Teens, parenting tips

girl with paint on faceiStock_000063932169_MediumLast April I had the amazing opportunity to be interviewed on Thrive Global Network in response to a death of Nate Wombles
Unfortunately many children and even adults are involved in the bullying cycle.

Many parents feel stuck  if their child is involved in a bullying situation. How do you teach your child to respond without egging on the child who bullies?

What is Bullying, and What do I do about it?

Bullying is aggressive, threatening behavior by one child or adult towards another child/adult. The whole goal of the bully is to gain power or control over a person who they perceive is weaker than them.

Bullying can be verbal, emotional or physical or through technology, called “Cyberbullying.”

(http://www.stopbullying.gov/)(http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html)

Bullying can occur either by one person or groups. Groups of bullies may also be called gangs.

Bullying is not just for kids, bullying can occur at any age, even into adulthood.

What roles do people play in a bullying situation?

There are different roles students play in a bullying situation.

The person doing the bullying

The person being bullied

Someone who is both bullied and being a bully towards others.

Those who defend or stand up for the person being bullied.

Those who assist the bully.

Those who reinforce the bully by becoming bystanders.

A person can both be the victim of bullying and also bully others at the same time.

What are signs a child is being bullied?

Signs a child may be a bullying victim are:

Unexplained bruises, scrapes or marks

Changes in behavior such as eating habits, nightmares, stomach aches, making excuses to not go to school, ride the bus.

Unexplained  damage or loss of belongings

Child coming home hungry

Changes in grades

Child becomes sad, anxious, angry, or depressed

Child beginds withdrawing from others

Stops hanging around friends

Sources:  http://www.stopbullying.gov/, “Bullies are a pain in the brain”, and www.Safechild.net

What do I do if I think my child is being bullied?

What parents can do if a child is being bullied:

  • Address the situation immediately.
  • If you’re not sure communicate with your child by stating the changes you’ve noticed and asking what happened. http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It
  • Role play ways to respond to the bully with your child.
  • Listen to your child when they want to talk about it.
  • Don’t encourage the child to ignore it or fight back
  • Encourage confidence and assertive communication
  • Talk to your child about who to tell if they are being bullied, create a safety plan with your child.
  • If the school is involved, allow school officials to address the other parents rather than calling them yourself
  • Seek counseling for your child if he or she is in distress (anxious, depressed, withdrawing, etc…)

What your child can co if he or she is being bullied.

The main thing to teach your child about preventing bullying is how to show confidence.

  • Don’t cry, and stay calm (crying gives them satisfaction)
  • Stay away from groups of bullies/gangs
  • Tell an adult if they see weapons, are being teased/bullied, you can help your child make a list of people they can go to
  • Go a different way than the bullies if having to walk home or go to a different part of the playground
  • Spend time with other friends
  • Run away from the situation if they are after them, preferably to an adult he or she trusts.
  • Tell their friends, friends can even help stand up for them.
  • Stick up for him or her self by using a confident voice “I don’t like….”
  • Practice what to say
  • Remember the bully wants power, it is more about their need for power than about you
  • If a child is alone and the bully wants their stuff, teach them to give it to them and leave the situation.

Some don’ts when dealing with bullies (Romain)

  • Don’t cry
  • Stay calm
  • Don’t ignore
  • Don’t taunt the bully.
  • Don’t beg the bully not to hurt you.
  • Don’t believe the names they call you are think negative about yourself
  • Name call back or agree with them
  • Try to fight back

What can bystanders do to help bullying?

“Research shows that bystanders intervene only 20% of the time, but when they do, bullying  stops about 50% of the time,” Bazelon said.

Even the smallest act of intervention can work wonders, she added. “Bystanders can help in many ways, simply by standing with the victim or touching their shoulder during an incident, or even by sending a supportive text or calling them on the phone afterward.” http://info.character.org/blog/bid/177221/Be-More-Than-a-Bystander-Speak-Up-Against-Bullying-and-Violence

  • Stand up for the person being bullied
  • Don’t give bullying an audience
  • Help the child being bullied get away without getting yourself in harms way.
  • Tell a trusted adult
  • Be friends

What teachers and schools and organizations can do if bullying is occurring:

First get the facts from multiple sources.

  • Listen to those involve without judgement or labeling
  • Separate children involved
  • Make sure person doing bullying knows what the problem is
  • Identify reasons child may have bullied
  • Have clear consequences:
  • have class discussion, role play situations
  • Attempt to help children make amends
  • stopbullying.gov has several tips on involving person doing bullying in consequences , including apology letters, doing good deeds, and what to stay away from
  • Provide opportunites for bullying education

Signs your child is bullying other children:

  • Gets into frequent arguments or fights with others
  • Is angry
  • Blames others for their problems
  • Unexplained new belongings or money
  • Frequent trips to the principle’s office at school.

There is a quiz at the end of Bullies are a Pain in the Brain to screen if your child is bullying others.

What to do if your child is bullying others?

  • Don’t get defensive, take responsibility for your child.
  • Talk to your child to tell you what happened and listen to their side.
  • Try to find out the issue your child is dealing with that led to the bullying behavior.
  • Set limits.
  • Apply consequences to the behavior
  • Provide alternatives to aggressive behavior.
  • Ask your child how you can help.
  • Seek professional help for your child if necessary to deal with the source of the issue.

Why do people bully others? According to stompoutbullying.org

  • Power and Control is the main issue surrounding bullying behavior
  • Sometimes someone else is also bullying the child
  • Child may be having difficulties at home or have experienced abuse, neglect or witnessed aggressive behavior themselves
  • To avoid getting bullied
  • For social power
  • Some plan their bullying and are liked by others but not their victims

Why don’t kids tell?

stopbullying.gov reported on the Indicators of School Crime and safety that bullying is reported to adults less than 40% of the time

  • Feeling helpless
  • Fear or intimidation by others
  • Not wanting to be seen as a tattletale
  • Feelings of isolation and withdrawal

What are the risk factors for being bullied?

It’s important to note that while these are risk factors, not all children with these characteristics are bullied.

  • Seen as quiet or different by other children
  • Difficulty speaking up for themselves
  • Difficulty with peer relationships
  • Are anxious, depressed or low self esteeme

What are the risk factors for bullying?

There are two types of those who bully defined by stopbullying.gov

Those whose goals are concerned with popularity, power, control.

Those who are more isolated, have low self esteem, less involved in school, less social involvement with peers.

Other risk factors include:

  • Are aggressive
  • More difficulties at home
  • View violence as a way to handle their problems
  • Less involvement from parents,
  • Negative view of others
  • Difficulty following rules
  • Have friends who bully

What are the long term consequences of bullying?

  • A NY Times article summaries a study by the JAMA network on psychiatry that found long term consequences of childhood bullying into young adulthood.
  • Young adults were interviewed/assessed on which role they played in the bullying scenario and placed into different groups
  • Outcomes included increased anxiety and panic for those who were victims, increased panic for those who were both bullies and victims and increased instance of adult antisocial behavior for those who were bullies but not victims.

“A very small number of bullied children might retaliate through extremely violent measures. In 12 of 15 school shooting cases in the 1990s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.” www.stopbullying.org

Resources and links

“Bullies are a Pain in the Brain” written and illustrated by Trevor Romain

“Cyber Bullying Not More” by Holli Kenley, MA

stopbullying.gov

http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It

http://safechild.org/categoryparents/preventing-bullying/

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/

http://acestoohigh.com/2015/03/02/bullying-starts-early-with-parents-and-babies/

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/understanding_bullying.html

How Much Freedom Should I Allow My Teenager to Have?

How Much Freedom Should I Allow My Teenager to Have?

by | Dec 1, 2014 | How much responsibility to give your teen, parenting, parenting christian teens, Parenting Teens, Setting limits with teens, Teens and Spirituality

Mom with two teens readingI was recently interviewed on Thrive Global Media by Mary Nichelson and Kellye Williams. This is the first of a series of questions submitted by some  of their listeners. The questions have been edited for content.

As a parent of teenagers, how do you find the perfect balance of letting go, yet protecting our kids?  I still want to protect them without stifling their maturity and confidence. Where is the balance found?

Many parents struggle with trusting their teens, and with their teen’s need for independence. I think it depends on your teen, their age, and have they shown responsibility so far or are they showing you through their behavior that they cannot be trusted for some reason.

Teens still need boundaries and consistency with rules, discipline, however as they get older and show more responsibility you can be flexible and allow more freedom. Teens also can learn from life lessons that allow for natural consequences of their choices. For example, if they have a project due tomorrow and they’ve known all week but they are just starting on it today then give them the responsibility to get it done and experience the consequences of procrastination (more stress, not turn out as well, etc…).

If your teen is struggling with a lot of behavior problems, substance abuse, etc… then they may need more rules and more structure. I would also prioritize your battles, and choose which ones to fight (drug use, aggressive behavior) and which ones to let go of (hair color, etc…).

The teenage years are often a challenge for both parents of teens and their teenagers because teenagers to trying to gain their independence. This sometimes leads to pushing boundaries and sometimes conflict as the teen tries to explore their identity and independence.  Teens explore various issues during this time including spirituality, sexuality, peer relationships, career goals, and relationships with caregivers.

One of the most challenging situations I think, for Christian parents is when a child begins to explore their beliefs and may either distance themselves from church, or explore different beliefs than those they were taught growing up. There can be different reasons why a teen may be struggling with their spirituality and church. Maybe they don’t feel they fit in with the peer group at the church they go to, or maybe they aren’t sure of their faith, the influence of culture, or a peer group they belong to.

Whatever the reason there are things you can do to help support your teen while they are going through this exploration process.

First, recognize this as a normal part of every teens development and how they are trying to reconcile their upbringing with becoming an independent adult. Secondly, encourage, but don’t force open communication about spiritual issues and why you believe what you believe.

Allow your teen freedom to discuss their opinions and questions openly. Additionally, if your teen wants to explore other churches, offer to attend with them, and discuss your differences afterwards. They key is open communication with your teen and allowing some responsibility for their own spiritual growth.

For some interesting stuff on teens and why many teens and young adults distance themselves from church read : Students Abandoning the Faith

For Parenting Contracts with your teen go here: Free Printable Parenting Contracts for Teens

For general information about parenting your teen go here: Parenting Teens at About Parenting

To Hear My Interview with Mary and Kellye Click Here: https://www.jillosbornelpc.com/events/

Have a teenage child? How do you balance boundaries with your teenager and allowing them to take more responsibility? Leave a comment below and let’s start the conversation!