by Jill | Jul 20, 2020 | Child Counseling, Child Therapy, children, children self help, continuing education, counseling, divorce, family therapy, parenting, parents, Play Therapy, play therpay
What to Expect From Your Play Therapist if You’re Getting a Divorce
One of the most challenging issues a family can face is divorce. It affects everyone involved in some way. Children, parents, extended family, and others close to the situation. It can also be one of the most challenging and complex cases I can treat in play therapy. Emotions are high, changes are happening, and there are a lot of unknown factors. On a practical level, counseling for everyone involved is recommended.
So, if you, as a parent are going through a divorce, have been through a divorce, or planning on getting one, here are some ways to make your child gets the most benefit from play therapy and to assist your child in coping with the changes that are happening in your family and also what roles I can and cannot play as a child therapist.
Remember I’m there to treat your child, and am neutral when it comes to parental conflicts.
Understand that I will not be able to fix your marriage.
I cannot determine custody of your children.
Custody evaluation is a separate role from therapy, and there are mental health professionals, primarily psychologists, that specialize in this area.
Don’t involve me in your court issues.
It is paramount that I be able to maintain your child’s confidentiality and a neutral safe space for them to process their emotions. This is a traumatic time for them, and involving me in court will often require that I break that confidentiality and it always affect my therapeutic relationship with your child.
Give your child space for their own processing.
Your child will love both of you.
Both parents should participate in the therapy process in some way, taking turns to bring your child to therapy or coming together with them shows that you are supporting their journey through this process.
Participate in your own therapy.
This is a stressful and highly emotional time for everyone and I want you to take care of yourself as much as I want your child to get through this change as healthy as possible.
Keep children out of adult conflicts.
This includes parenting disagreements, knowledge about court proceedings over their developmental level, questioning your child about the other parent, or other situations where it puts your child in a no-win situation.
If your child is upset or emotional, listen, empathize and allow for open expression of feelings even if it is difficult for you.
Don’t blame, complain, or vent about your ex- or soon to be ex-spouse in front of your child.
Be honest with your child: tell them what they need to know, when a change is occurring
It is ok to say “I don’t know,” or “let me think about my answer” to questions children may have for which you yourself are uncertain.
Be prepared for children to have various emotions.
Maintain a predictable routine as much as possible
Maintain your parenting limits and boundaries.
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by Jill | Nov 15, 2017 | grief, Holiday Grief, Holiday Stress, parents, relaxation, self care, stress management
Already the Hallmark Channel is playing it’s marathon of Christmas movies. They are nostalgic, sweet stories. It’s an easy escape and some of the plot lines are a little cliche but after a difficult work day it can really help me decompress.
While there are certainly characters with problems during the holiday season, Christmas is presented in a positive, peaceful, magical light. However, I was reminded recently that this season is often times difficult for some families. I’ll be the first to admit it can be an overwhelming, stressful time for me between work, children, family functions, social functions, financial strain and gift planning. It can be a reminder of a person you loved and lost, a death or bring out conflict in some families. So how do you manage grief and stress during the holidays? Here are a few tips to help you along.
1. Slow down: prioritize your social functions, take time to breath and remind yourself of what it’s about. It’s about God sending his Son to the world and reconciling our relationship, it’s about peace, it’s about time with your loved ones.
2. Set your limits financially : make a budget, say no to functions if there are too many on your schedule, don’t over-extend yourself financially.
3. Find supporters that you can talk about your feelings with; friends, spouse, a counselor.
4. Give yourself permission to have feelings, both the ups and the downs.
5. Create reminders of the hope that is in you around the house, such as a nativity scene, and advent calendar, symbols that mean peace to you.
These are just a few tips on managing holiday related stress and grief.
What helps you manage stress and grief during the holiday season? Leave a comment below and join the conversations!
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by Jill | Aug 7, 2017 | changes, parenting, parents, self care, small business, stress management, Therapist Self Care
“Mommy you don’t play with us.” Ouch. My kid said this one day when we were at home and talking about a game we are about to play. What an awakening. I work with families and children. I play with children all day long. And I always felt like my priorities were right. But this got my attention. I have been working a ton recently on some awesome opportunities, and some things have gotten off.
As a therapist and a mom it is always a challenge to balance both career and family. I’m a pretty driven person who deals with a streak of perfectionism, so if I’m not careful I can find myself out of balance. I see this issue come up time and again both with parents of the children I work with, supervisees and other working parents. How do you have a career that supports your family financially, but at the same time stay connected with your family? I have the fortunate opportunity to be able to adjust my schedule and have flexibility, and not every family has that. However there are some things that I do that helps me, and I hope that it can help other parents to readjust as necessary. Please note I have NOT perfected this in anyway and am constantly learning how to incorporate these in my own life.
- Let go of getting everything done all the time. Some things will be left undone. There is finite number of hours in a day and it is impossible to complete everything every day.
- Make the time you do spend with your children/family count. I make it a point to keep my weekends low key and not over scheduled. This is necessary both from a self-care point of view and bonding with my children. We have certain routines that we do keep on the weekends (such as at least one day we have movie and pizza night).
- Set a cut of time for work. In my field it can seem like there is something to do all the time, and setting a cut off time to stop working and go home has worked wonders. I will even put “GO HOME” on my schedule to give myself a visual reminder to NOT SCHEDULE SOMETHING THERE.
- Say no more than you say yes. It is tempting to take on multiple projects, Post this! Schedule this! Volunteer here! But giving yourself permission to say no sometimes will help focus your attention on the things that matter the most.
- Plan self care times every day to decompress. (for me it’s herbal tea before bed and watching something stupid on TV).
- Seek out consultation and networking with other parents in your field. You will find that it’s not just you, no you’re not crazy for being a working parent, and also remind you that we are in this together.
- Accept help from others.
- Ask for help.
- Give yourself the permission to adjust as needed. I have found that I have had to adjust my schedule or way of working every few years as my family’s needs change. My family’s needs change depending on the stage we’re in, for instance my kids had different needs when they were babies, but now that one is preschool age and the other is school age they need attention in different areas.
- Make smaller adjustments as you go along, rather than big leaps. Change happens as you make small adjustments to your schedule and your life, generally not in one big leap. And sometimes the simple adjustments (such as adjusting your cut off time for one day) makes a bigger impact than you expect.
What helps you maintain your sanity as a working parent? Whether you are a therapist or not? Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to read everyone’s tips.
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by Jill | Apr 7, 2015 | How do I respond to tantrums, parenting, parenting tips, Parenting toddlers, parents, Toddler tantrums, Toddlers
How Do I Set Limits With my Toddler?
Many toddlers ages 2-4 go through testing limits. In fact toddlers and teenagers are a lot alike! they are both trying to learn boundaries and independence. It is important to remember how little they are and that they are still learning.
Here are Some Steps to Setting Limits
- Keep your own emotions in check and don’t discipline when you’re angry.
- Use a firm, but calm tone (hard I know sometimes).
- Keep language simple and concrete.
- Remove yourself from a power struggle by giving two choices.
- Use Encouragement!
- Be consistent with limits and don’t give in just to avert a tantrum
What Do I Say If my Child Has a Tantrum?
Sometimes you have to let a child calm down from a tantrum or meltdown before you can talk to them. I find it helpful to practice a few specific scripts to say to a child when I am teaching parents how to set limits. This helps give concrete things to say to a child who is upset or angry.
A great resource for what to say to a child when they are angry or having a tantrum can be found at www.angriesout.com. You will also find many other useful articles on how to communicate with your child when they are upset, or if they are showing aggressive behaviors.
What is Discipline and How is it Different than Punishment?
Discipline is about teaching, punishment is about suffering. When you are parenting and setting limits, it’s important to ask yourself what your short term and your long term goals are for your child. What do you want your child to learn from his or her misbehavior? How will this experience help develop responsibility?
Why is My Child Misbehaving?
I view behavior as purposeful. All behavior has a goal. This may or may not be a conscious goal. Misbehavior in children is often a misguided attempt to achieve one of four goals.
What Is Your Child’s Goal?
1. Gain attention?
2. Power and Control?
3. Revenge?
4. Having Feelings of Inadequacy?
Sometimes paying attention to your own feelings as a parent will give you an idea about what your child is trying to achieve. They will give you clues about the purpose of your child’s behavior.
How Are You Feeling in the Moment?
1. Annoyed? Your child may be trying to gain attention.
2. Angry? Your child may be wanting power or control over a situation.
3. Hurt? Your child may be wanting revenge.
4. Hopeless? Your child may be feeling inadequate.
When I first began working with children, I found it challenging to set limits and manage certain behaviors during group or in sessions. When I learned this it really helped me to realize that a child’s misbehavior is often not about the behavior itself, but a misguided attempt to meet their needs. Paying attention to my own feelings in the moment and using them as clues to my child’s needs really helped me to separate their behavior from my feelings and know how to respond.
A good book I could recommend (because I use it for my own kids!) is Toddler 411 by Meet authors
Dr. Ari Brown
and Denise Fields
What are some of your biggest challenges when parenting toddlers? Leave a comment below and lets get the conversation going!
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by Jill | Aug 31, 2012 | Alison Gopnik, attachment, babies, Child Therapy, children, children's self help, counseling, education, family therapy, infants, mental health, parenting, parents, Play Therapy
When to worry about kids’ temper tantrums
An interesting article on how to differentiate between normal pre-school aged tantrums and something that is a clue that something more is going on.
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by Jill | Nov 11, 2011 | divorce, family therapy, parenting, parents
Case Notes and Divorce: A Parent’s Rights
I find that therapist who work with children often work with divorced or divorcing parents. I thought I would share this article from my liability insurance company that I think will be helpful.
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